What if everything I say and believe in was not true? What if every word I defend and share about the world was a lie?
I’d be quiet pissed off because it always happens to me…
Since two days, I feel like my head is melting. My brain is trying to get out of my head… I don’t know what’s happening again but well.
I noticed today that I used to be a pretty “sane” girl in regards of my alimentation. Ok, I smoke since I’m 18 and I know it’s bad. But I’m vegetarian and I used to drink almost only water…
I noticed lately that dinking a Nalu at 8am and a first Redbull at 11am was pretty natural now. Having around 4 coffées by day too. And smoking a pack everyday too… And I don’t talk about weed…
I used to go to the gym twice a week or more. I didn’t go since January… I can’t run after my bus because if I do, I feel like my lungs are burning and all my muscles are hurting.
Today, I noticed that I should have a helthier way of life.
She said that I was incompetent.
She said that I should be more anxious and stressed.
She said that even if I was dying, I should be there and work.
She said that I did mistakes in my lessons.
She said that I don’t have to be kind with my students.
She said that I should be ashamed of what I did.
You know what?
FUCK THIS BITCH!!!
This motherfucking whore is not gonna break my determination. Whatever she said, I know my value and I know that I’m better than her, that so-called teacher who’s much a fucking SS soldier yelling at kids all time long and making BASIC spelling mistakes.
Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you deep.
I’m quiet sure I’ll end up by killing myself. I know it’s bad. I know it’s gonna hurt people around me. But sometimes, I don’t know how I do to not jump from a bridge.
Today, I feel used. I don’t remember why I have to fight and stay alive. If I could, I would just stop, sit down and die.
But in the same time… I know I can’t do that. I feel too much revolted against this world that actually doesn’t accept me that I feel this rage burning inside of me and I need to turn this fury out of me. I need to scream! I need to run! I need to change things! I need to know! I need to act! I need to be a part of something that will change the face of this world!!
Today I feel used. But inside of me is still burning a flame that can burn this whole shit. I think you should beware…
I’m sitting at my desk and starring at a picture. It’s a photograph of me, my sister and my brother when we were younger. It’s in another house. We were wearing our coats and posing together. All smiling.
i looked closer to my face there and I began to cry. How was it to be happy? What did I feel at that moment? And why I can’t smile today?
What happened to that girl…? Why isn’t she happy and smiling anymore? I mean in the inside. Because it’s easy to look like you’re fine… What did go wrong? And when?
This picture is now hurting me because I don’t know - and will probably never know - what happened to me to become what I am today…
Today, I had a quiet wierd day.
Today is my last day in a year. I’m turning 23 years tomorrow. I hate my birthday. I soetimes wish to not be born at all. But well…
I only had 2 real birthdays in my whole life. My 19 : afternoun organized by my best friend with my closest friends. That was awesome. My 20 years : my mother organized a surprise party with ALL my family. She was proud to have all my cousins, aunts, uncles all together for a night. That was awesome.
Since then, I didn’t do anything. Oh yeah, last year I was in Marocco and my family there organized my bday…twice… Don’t know why, actually… Anyway.
Tomorrow, I’m gonna play all day long because only gaming is keeping me calm and quiet fine.
No posts since a few days, I didn’t find the strenght to write anything. But today I’m pretty angry and more revolted than ever.
I don’t understand why I learned something at school, I believed in something at school and then I live in a complete other world, other reality than what I learned. Let me explain.
I learned we live in a democratic country with laws, rights, obligations and freedoms. I learned that citizens have their words to say in politics by using their right to vote and chose their leaders. I learned we are lucky to be on this side of the Earth…
But today I just feel that I’m so screwed by all this shit. I know the world is between the hands of a few people with too much money to imagine it! I feel fucked because those people protect the interests of things that give them even more money. And the people? They don’t give a damn fuck about them!!
I feel so revolted by the way politics and industries use people to suck their money and never give back anything good to them! They don’t see in people human, they see in us wallets full of money and they want that money to feel a bit more bigger and stronger!
And I’m even more revolted by something else, something I can’t understand. Actually, I can understand that money is running this world. But I can’t understand how a big part of the people don’t move in front of this unfair situation!! I see it like those people are fucked, they complain about it but they still ask the few rich industrials to keep on fucking them! Pardon me to be so vulgar but is the world a whore that the Rich can fuck how many time they want AND take that whore’s money with when they’re satisfied?
Honestly, I don’t know how to explain with more politically correct images how this world is mad and wasted… Maybe it’s not time anymore for beautiful sentences and gentle words to try to wake the 99% up. Maybe it’s time to be rude, give a pair of slaps and say “hey! You’re not a whore!! Rise your fist and go out to take your world back NOW!”
Today, I feel like losing my World because my pairs are too blind and lazy to try to save their lifes and I can’t let this go any far anymore! Fighting!
Today, I was wasting my time with Assassin’s Creed II. I wanted to do all the missions I didn’t do the first time I played.
After several hours of game… I wanted to get a drink. I was in my bed, because my back hurts since a few days now. When I moved from my bed, I accidently unplugged my laptop…
TODAY I LOST A FUCKING BIG PART OF MY GAME AND YES I WAS FUCKING PISSED OFF!
And this tunred my day from “boring” to “hell”. Kill me please.
I think that the place where you were born in determines a lot of thing about and especially what you worth. Your life doesn’t worth mine or another one. Logic? Not really… Because it means that when someone dies, his/her death doesn’t have the same impact on people as another death would have.
What do I mean? Easy, guys. Today, a worker from the public transport service from my town was beaten to death. The whole service is on strike untill at least Tuesday. It means that it’s quiet impossible for me to move too much away from my home because I’d need hours for all my journeys that would take a few minutes with public transprots.
I’m really upset about this strike. I agree it’s a tragic story but come on, thousands of people are killed everyday around the world and none even think about them. Men, women, CHILDREN, all of them dies every fucking day. Who cares? I care.
That why I’m so angry against the STIB (the public transport service here) for being such d*ckheads and go on strike every 2 weeks for anything. Someone said something to a driver? STRIKE. Someone throw a paper on a bus? STRIKE. Someone didn’t say “hello” to a driver? STRIKE. COME ON!! That’s enough now!
I mean, I pay way too much for my season ticket and the service is worthing a little 2/10! That’s incredible how they suck our money out of us and never give us a proper service. That’s so unfair. And the client are always the first ones to feel the consequencies. This is not fair.
A car is too expensive. My city isn’t really made for using bikes everyday. I can’t walk all the time. Only solution is public transport. But they never work!! So fucking what, now? Should I stay quiet and let them do whatever they want (keep in mind that I’m the CLIENT wich means I pay for it) or should I go ask them to bring me my money back…? Option #2 is really attractive…
Today, I was sick by this world that doesn’t give the same value to every human being.